Sometimes the most confusing relationships are not the ones in which you fail to understand the other person. They are the ones in which you understand them so well that you gradually stop noticing what the relationship is doing to you.

You may see fear behind their anger, pain behind their distance, or difficult experiences behind their hurtful behavior.

You may tell yourself: “They are not a bad person. They have just been through a lot.”

That may be true.

But another question matters too: Does understanding the reason for the hurt make the impact disappear?

In this Mental Care guide, we explore why people sometimes excuse hurtful behavior, signs of an unhealthy relationship, the difference between empathy and justification, how healthy boundaries work, and when professional support may be helpful.

What is an unhealthy relationship?

“Unhealthy relationship” is not a formal psychological diagnosis.

It is a broad term used to describe relationships in which repeated patterns cause emotional, psychological, social, or physical harm.

Every relationship includes disagreements, misunderstandings, and mistakes.

The important issue is the pattern.

Can both people express their feelings safely? Are boundaries respected? Can each person take responsibility for mistakes? Or do disagreements repeatedly become humiliation, blame, intimidation, control, or fear?

Why do we excuse hurtful behavior?

There is no single explanation that applies to everyone.

Several emotional and relational factors may make it easier to explain another person's behavior than to recognize its effect on you.

1. You understand their history

You may know that the person experienced a difficult childhood, previous trauma, loss, rejection, or another painful relationship.

That understanding may create compassion.

The difficulty begins when understanding the cause becomes a permanent reason not to hold the person responsible for what they do now.

2. You are waiting for their “better version”

Sometimes people remain attached not only to the relationship that exists today, but to the relationship they hope it could become.

You may think:

• They will change when the pressure decreases.
• Things will improve once they feel safer.
• Most of the time they are kind.
• I can see a side of them other people do not see.

Hope is understandable, but evaluating a relationship also requires looking at the behavior that is actually happening now.

3. You are afraid of losing the relationship

Fear of loneliness, grief, or starting over may make someone minimize repeated hurt.

The question can slowly change from: “Is this relationship healthy for me?” to: “How can I keep this relationship at any cost?”

4. You are used to carrying too much

If you have spent years placing other people's needs ahead of your own, it may be difficult to notice when your limits are repeatedly crossed.

You may feel guilty when saying no or believe that protecting yourself is selfish.

What is the difference between empathy and excusing harm?

Empathy means understanding that a person's reactions may be influenced by fear, pain, or past experiences.

Excusing harm happens when that understanding removes responsibility from the person entirely.

You can say:

“I understand that you are overwhelmed, but speaking to me this way is not acceptable to me.”

Two things can be true at the same time:

• The other person may genuinely be struggling.
• Their behavior may still hurt you.

What are signs of an unhealthy relationship?

No checklist can diagnose a relationship, but repeated patterns deserve attention.

Persistent belittling

This may include mocking your feelings, undermining your abilities, embarrassing you in front of others, or repeatedly using mistakes to make you feel inferior.

Making you responsible for every problem

Conflict involves two people, but if nearly every disagreement ends with you carrying all of the blame, it may be worth examining the pattern.

Minimizing the impact of behavior

Examples include repeatedly telling you:

• “You're too sensitive.”
• “It was just a joke.”
• “You're overreacting.”

Any of these comments can appear in an ordinary disagreement. The concern is when they become a repeated way to avoid responsibility.

Isolation

Repeated attempts to separate you from friends, family, or other support systems can be an important warning sign.

Controlling your decisions

This may include controlling who you see, what you wear, where you go, how you spend money, or monitoring your phone or accounts without consent.

Fear of the other person's reaction

If you constantly change what you say or do because you are afraid of anger, punishment, threats, or retaliation, the issue may be more serious than a communication problem.

Is every relationship conflict emotional abuse?

No.

Healthy relationships still involve disagreement.

People may occasionally lose their temper, say something they regret, or misunderstand each other.

What matters is what happens afterward.

Can the person acknowledge what happened, apologize, and change the behavior?

Or does the same pattern continue while humiliation, fear, or control becomes part of the relationship?

What are healthy boundaries?

Boundaries communicate what you are and are not comfortable with in a relationship.

They may involve:

• How disagreements are handled.
• Privacy.
• Personal time and space.
• Friendships and social relationships.
• Money.
• Phone and digital privacy.
• Physical and sexual boundaries.
• Information you choose to share.

A healthy boundary is not about controlling the other person.

It focuses on what you will do to protect your wellbeing when a limit is crossed.

How do you set healthy boundaries?

1. Describe the behavior rather than attacking the person

Instead of: “You are toxic.”

Try: “If a disagreement turns into insults, I will stop the conversation and return to it later.”

2. Be clear

Vague boundaries are difficult to understand.

State what you need as specifically as possible.

3. Focus on what you can control

You cannot force another person to change.

You can decide what action you will take when a boundary is repeatedly ignored.

4. Pay attention to the response

A person does not have to like every boundary you set.

There is a difference, however, between disagreeing with a boundary and threatening, humiliating, punishing, or intimidating you for setting one.

Are boundaries selfish?

No.

Healthy boundaries are not punishments and do not mean that you do not care about the other person.

They communicate what you need in order to remain in a relationship while protecting your wellbeing and respecting the other person.

What if the other person becomes angry when I set a boundary?

Anger alone does not prove that a relationship is abusive.

Someone may feel surprised, disappointed, or frustrated when a relationship dynamic changes.

However, take the situation more seriously when anger involves:

• Threats.
• Intimidation.
• Deliberate punishment.
• Destroying property.
• Preventing contact with others.
• Monitoring or stalking.
• Physical or sexual violence.

In these situations, safety is more important than improving communication.

Why do I feel guilty when I protect myself?

Some people grow up believing that prioritizing themselves is selfish or that love means tolerating almost anything.

You may be used to being the person who:

• Understands everyone.
• Forgives first.
• Calms every disagreement.
• Gives in to keep other people happy.

When you begin setting boundaries, guilt may appear even when you are not doing anything wrong.

Feeling guilty does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong.

Can a person who hurts others change?

People can change, but meaningful change involves more than promises.

Useful questions include:

• Do they acknowledge the behavior without blaming you?
• Do they take responsibility?
• Does their behavior actually change over time?
• Do they respect your boundaries?
• Do they seek appropriate help when needed?

An apology matters, but the pattern that follows the apology provides more information about genuine change.

Should I leave an unhealthy relationship immediately?

An online article cannot make that decision for you.

Relationships and circumstances differ.

Some problems can improve through communication, boundaries, and professional support.

However, if a relationship involves violence, threats, intimidation, or coercive control, direct confrontation may not be safe.

In those circumstances, prioritize safety and seek appropriate support rather than putting yourself at greater risk.

When can therapy help?

Professional support may be useful if you:

• Repeatedly enter similar unhealthy relationships.
• Find it extremely difficult to say no.
• Experience intense guilt when setting boundaries.
• Are unsure whether your expectations are reasonable.
• Repeatedly excuse behaviors that hurt you.
• No longer trust your own judgment.
• Want to better understand your relationship patterns and emotional needs.

A therapist does not make relationship decisions for you. Therapy can help you understand the pattern and make more informed choices.

You can also read: How to Choose the Right Therapist

Therapist or psychiatrist?

The appropriate professional depends on your needs.

If the main difficulty involves relationship patterns, boundaries, communication, or emotional wellbeing, psychotherapy may be an appropriate starting point.

If you are also experiencing severe mental health symptoms or may need medical assessment or medication, a psychiatrist may be involved.

Read: Therapist vs Psychiatrist: What's the Difference?

When does a relationship become a safety issue?

Seek urgent support if there is an immediate safety risk or:

• Physical violence.
• Threats to seriously harm or kill you.
• Sexual violence or coercion.
• Threats involving children or family members.
• Preventing you from leaving or contacting others.
• Severe monitoring or stalking.
• A persistent fear for your physical safety.

If you are in immediate danger, prioritize reaching a safe place and seeking urgent help from local emergency services or a trusted person.

Frequently asked questions about unhealthy relationships

How do I know if I am in an unhealthy relationship?

Look at repeated patterns rather than one disagreement. Persistent humiliation, control, isolation, intimidation, fear, and repeated disregard for boundaries deserve attention.

Why do I excuse someone who hurts me?

Possible reasons include empathy, fear of loss, hope that the person will change, or being accustomed to placing other people's needs before your own.

Are boundaries selfish?

No. Healthy boundaries communicate what you are comfortable with and help protect the dignity and wellbeing of both people.

Is a “toxic relationship” the same as an abusive relationship?

Not necessarily. “Toxic” is a broad non-clinical term, while abuse may involve more serious patterns such as coercion, intimidation, threats, or violence.

Can an unhealthy relationship improve?

It depends on the behavior and whether both people can take responsibility and make sustained changes. Where violence or coercive control is present, safety should take priority.

When should I speak with a therapist?

Consider support if you feel trapped in a repeated relationship pattern, struggle to set boundaries, repeatedly excuse hurtful behavior, or notice that the relationship is significantly affecting your mental health.

Read more on Mental Care

• How Do You Know If You Need a Therapy Session?
• How to Choose the Right Therapist
• Therapist vs Psychiatrist
• Browse Mental Care Mental Health Specialists

Content last updated: October 21, 2026

Safety notice: This article is for educational purposes and does not diagnose a person or relationship. If there is violence, threats, coercion, or an immediate risk to your safety, prioritize your safety and seek urgent help from appropriate local services or someone you trust.